In a week

Today is Monday, and this time a week ago I emailed off a letter I had written to Nana. It was a letter I wrote well after midnight after the frustration of knowing that I wouldn't be able to get up to Auckland to visit her.  In it I told her everything I would have said to her, if I could be sitting opposite her hospital bed. I told her I loved her, I talked about the moments I remember of her in my childhood, of the legacy she will be leaving behind. I told her to rest with a mind and soul at peace. I was going to post it last Monday morning but then Dad called and said she was deteriorating and they were on their way back up to Auckland. I emailed it to Dad instead for him to read to Nana when he got there. Nana died while they were on the motorway, Nana never read or heard my letter.  What I thought would be a few months left with her, turned out to only be days.  Death is the strangest thing, it is the one certainty we all have, but always, I am in shock when it does. Even at 91 years of age, I wanted to say "Wait, this can't be happening,  It is so unexpected."

In the end I am not upset she never got my letter, I know that she knew it all anyway, that she did die in peace, with grace, dignity and surrounded by those that loved her. But i am also glad that I had that prompting on my heart to write it, because in writing I was able to offload and cry and process what was happening, that a generation was coming to an end, I was able to say goodbye to Nana in the words that tumbled onto the keypad.

Her funeral on Friday was beautiful. She would have liked it. I cried a lot, seeing the tiny little coffin and picturing her inside it, dressed in the same outfit she wore to our wedding.  My cousin James read out Proverbs 31 from the Bible. I giggled a bit when I saw it on the funeral sheet because I never pictured Nana as a proverbs 31 woman.  She wasn't a crafter, or knitter or sewer but leave out those verses and it really was the perfect illustration of this wonderful woman.


Proverbs 31:

^10-31 A good woman is hard to find,
    and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
    and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
    all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
    and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
    and brings back exotic surprises.
She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast
    for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
    then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
    rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
    is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
    diligent in homemaking.
She’s quick to assist anyone in need,
    reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows;
    their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
    and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
    when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
    brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
    and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
    and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
    and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
    her husband joins in with words of praise:
“Many women have done wonderful things,
    but you’ve outclassed them all!”
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
    The woman to be admired and praised
    is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
    Festoon her life with praises!

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I loved spending time afterwards with the cousins, aunties and uncles and seeing the legacy she has left behind in all of them, in all of us. Family get togethers will be tough but I am in no doubt that they will continue. There are still weddings to be celebrated, babies to be born, grandchild to return home. Life for others continues on. She will be missed but she has left her mark on this world in all that knew her.

And in typical Nana fashion, never to leave a thank you note unwritten, we returned home from the funeral to find a thank you letter from her in the mail box thanking me for flowers we had sent.  As I have a list of thank yous that sit unwritten she has reminded me that  it's never too late.