The fight

Let me preface this post by saying that Marcus and I hardly ever argue. In 10 years married I could count the number of fights we’ve had on one hand.  I know he is the perfect man for me because he is the one person in the world that I could be around 24/7 and not get annoyed with. 

That said, last night we had a fight and it made me SO mad. It wasn’t even an argument over anything important. We had finally got the eldest two asleep after a long day and we were both looking forward to sitting down to have some time to ourselves. I wanted to Facebook (lame I know, but I’ve been very good with my NY resolution in not going on the computer when the kids are awake so my window of computer time is a small one and I was keen to grab it).  He had some work he needed to do on his laptop.

This would have been fine but our 7-week-old baby chose this time to wake up, unsettled and cry and cry.  I fed him then passed him off to Marcus to settle and put back to sleep. No easy task and I knew it.  Half and hour later and after Nate’s screams had got louder and louder, I took him back off Marcus with a look on my face that said “Fine, I’ll do it, like I do everything around here.  You are useless; obviously you see your alone time as more important than mine. I’ll take the baby, play the Martyr but boy am I going to make you feel stink about it.”

Yes you read that right; I said all of that with a look on my face. None of those words were actually spoken aloud, but Marcus knows me and got the point. 

I managed to settle Nate after another feed and got him to sleep but avoided Marcus for the rest of the night.  As I was going to sleep I remembered our promise of never going to bed on an argument but I was still so angry I wasn’t ready to sort this out. Besides I thought, it’s him that needs to apologise.  PRIDE. There it is. The root of all sin and I had it by the barrow load.

Morning came and I was still angry, Marcus was too and neither of us said anything to each other but set about the morning rituals waiting for the other to make the first move in addressing the elephant in the room.

What’s almost comical is that the 7 week old that prompted this little tiff had slept through the night for the first time. 8 hours straight. This was a milestone worth celebrating but no one was breathing a word.

Marcus decided this would be a good time to take Ollie and the dog for a walk up the mountain. I decided it would be a good time for Lucy and I to do some shopping.  So as we pretend to our children that everything is fine I have this monologue going on in my head.

“I can’t believe him, how come he hasn’t apologised yet.  I’ll teach him to take me for granted. I won’t do a single chore today that I normally do and then we’ll see if he gets a taste of what my days are like and why it’s important for me to be able to offload the kids on him at night.  Why should I put his needs first?  He’s not putting me ahead of himself and marriage only works if you are both putting the other’s needs ahead of your own. I can’t believe he’s been that selfish!”

Let me pause here and just remind you that no actual fight or argument had taken place. This little argument is all going on in my head. I am in fact working myself up into such frenzy that had Marcus actually said something to me that morning he would have copped the blame for everything that had ever gone wrong in my life up to that point as well as this imaginary fight and everything I ‘thought’ he was thinking.

Lucy and I did some shopping at Kmart then sat down in the foyer to enjoy an ice cream together.  She was quiet as she ate and I was quiet as I people watched. And that’s when it happened.  God took this quietness and the break in my thoughts to show me as only He can my selfish heart.  In the space of Lucy finishing her ice-cream 3 people walked past me on that bench.

The first was a woman who had left her husband a few years ago for another man. She was, I had thought one of the most selfish woman I had known but I realised as I sat there that she had probably just been listening to that voice in her head like me.

The second was a solo Dad with his kids whose wife had left him a few years ago. He smiled at me and nodded a greeting as we recognised each other. He and the kids were looking older but I thought about all the hurt that had gone on in that family and was still going on as the Mum took her time to sort out her sense of self entitlement and what she felt she deserved in life which as it turns out wasn’t a life burdened with a husband and children. 

So my heart softened as I sat there and when the Lord obviously thought I was getting the point and was ready he brought in person 3.  A widow who misses their spouse like crazy and would do anything to have one more day in this life with them. 

On the drive home, I wasn’t listening to myself anymore. I was talking to myself. 

“Anna, would you really put an hour of Facebook /blogging ahead of your family? Did you notice how tired Marcus was when he came home from a long day at work and how he still got out and played on the tramp with the kids despite having missed lunch and sporting a headache? Did you thank him for washing up after dinner and dealing to Oliver and his tantrums allowing you and Lucy to enjoy some quiet reading together? Did you thank him for the coffee he made you and placed in front of the computer with a biscuit right before the baby woke and this whole thing started? Did you realize that what he was doing on the laptop was work and not fun? He works hard to allow you to stay at home with the kids and not juggle work and motherhood. Have you thanked him for that?”

By the time I pulled up the driveway, there wasn’t a pinch of fight left in me. I was so in love and thankful for the Lord showing me where those selfish thoughts of mine could lead and what I would miss out on. The meeting of those 3 people wasn't coincidence or the fact that I live in a small town. God had used them to speak to my heart.

Like the rest of this fight, the make up with Marcus involved few actual words. I slipped under his arm as he walked past and said “I don’t want to be angry anymore babe. It’s exhausting. I’m sorry. I Love you.” 

“I’m sorry too.” He replied as he squeezed my side.

And that was it.  We laughed and life returned to normal and this blog will go back to praising the man I married.  I wanted to record this because some days I feel I’m spread so thin that I’m opaque. I am very glad we had number 3. I love them all but it does mean life is busy. I realised that while the children’s needs are important, Marcus and I were a family before they came along and I need to give Marcus his equal share of my time and not the dregs after everyone and the day is done. I want my kids to know that marriage is a conscious decision every day to love the other and to put the other first and how quickly if left to fester, pride or selfishness can ruin a good thing.

This is us in San Francisco. Our family before children. It's nice to remember the days of less wrinkles and more time. It was also around the time of our first fight as a married couple and it was over picking a restaurant for dinner.  One day we might fight over something that's actually important.

And since this post leads so nicely towards it I also want to do a plug for a marriage course our church is running.  It’s for couples (married or not). The goal is to build strong relationships and while held in our church isn’t preachy at all (if the whole God thing makes you uncomfortable.) Two of my favourite couples in the world are hosting it and Marcus and I did it in our first year of marriage and found it awesome. We’re even thinking of doing it again but if you are keen you can check out more details by clicking here

or flick me a text and I’ll hook you up.