An update

It's been a while since my last post. Lots has happened, My parents have moved into town, Christmas, summer holidaying, camping, overseas visitors, whooping cough. But those aren't excuses, normally all those would just give me fodder to blog with. Truth is these past few months while all of the above has been going on, I've been internalising a really complicated situation in my head.  (This add has the best lines!)

Next month is February and it will be two years since Marcus' breakdown.  We both hate that expression and the experts don't use the term 'nervous breakdown' anymore but I'm still not really sure what to call it.

People always ask and because I've always been honest on here, what I remember of two years ago was Marcus breaking down while going full speed down a highway he couldn't get off. The result was a pile up of years of overwork and stress trapping him in a brain that was on overdrive. It was incredibly scary to see my strong husband a crumpled mess, unable to sleep, unable to control the fear, unable to function, to breath to release himself from under the pile up. Two years ago, Marcus broke and it needed to happen in order to get fixed.

What we know now is that he has an anxiety disorder, it's largely genetic and it can lie dormant for awhile but is triggered by stress and years of ignoring the symptoms until at last the brain snaps and panic attacks, constant anxiety reck their havoc. There were many warning signs along the way which we ignored. Anxiety and depression run hand and hand so while the anxiety was the immediate concern we had to address both. It was not a death sentence, he would recover and learn how to manage it but it was always going to be a long road.

I haven't talked about it much on here, mainly because it hasn't been something I've talked about much in the real world either. My job has been managing the house and raising the kids while Marcus' job has been primarily to heal. In a way I have kind of left him too it. It's something that only he under the guidance of his doctors can fix and I have chosen to keep seeing him as my husband not my patient or a fourth child that needs looking after.


In those early months, we went straight to drugs. We knew nothing about what was going on with him or about mental health and we aren't opposed to the use of drugs for mental illness, although I know some are.  Marcus's natural tranquilisers weren't working at all and with his brain in a constant anxiety frenzy he needed something that was going to allow him to rest. If I could have put him in an induced coma at this point I think I would have. There are a number of drugs out there and some have scary side effects, others take weeks to work and in the mean time can actually make all your symptoms worse. For rookies like us, this trial and error process was hard. In the end, he was on Lorazepam for 4 weeks and had to use Quetiapine to sleep but this would knock him out for most of the day as well. (I remember in those early months with Nathan still being a newborn how envious I was of his heavy sleep.) After a few months of this, he was able to stop taking the pills to sleep and the Lorazepam was switched to a non addictive SSRI anti depressant. I tell you all this because there is such a stigma associated with these drugs and I want you to know that while they are not the long term cure for Marcus' illness they were certainly a necessary part of his treatment, especially early on.  They allowed Marcus to function and be able to begin the process of healing and learning how to set about changing a lifetime of thinking habits in order to retrain his mind and body.

Marcus also met with a psychologist  once a week for a year. Her name was Raewyn and she was amazing. Again this was all new to us and we began by booking Marcus in with a private psychologist at $75.00 a session. I remember going to the first one with him of which his mother paid and while she babysat the kids for us and this woman just asked Marcus a lot of questions, I thought "how on earth are we going to be able to afford to do this every week for how ever long it takes?" Meanwhile our GP got to work and booked Marcus into the mental health division of the public health system. This was the first of many little miracles. Raewyn picked Marcus up as her patient right away, there was no waiting list. She was doing her thesis on anxiety issues so went above and beyond her care for Marcus for the sake of her research. She met with him once a week for CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy)  where she taught him how to respond to anxiety, how to overcome it and how to stop it ever reaching the panic attack state. She taught him how to actively relax, breathing techniques and to identify the warning signs early on. CBT has proven to be the most effective form of treatment for anxiety issues so a year under Raewyns care was wonderful and what's more because she was under public health, it was free. I love this country.


Miracle number 2 was that a year before all of this when we were re-doing our insurances, we were advised to have income protection insurance for Marcus. I remember at the time umming and arghing about it. We already had health insurance and life insurance and this one felt like a bit of an over kill, and it was expensive but in the end we decided with Marcus owning his own business that it was a necessary evil. We have been so grateful for this, for the peace of mind it has allowed us. Sovereign (the insurance company) has been nothing but supportive and helpful. Marcus was insured for 60% of his income so while it has been tight, we have been able to pay the mortgage and cover the bills. Huge huge huge weight off. Seriously, I reckon we should be on commission for the amount of people that have gone out and got themselves covered after witnessing what Marcus has gone thorough. Last year Marcus and I both worked part time to bring in extra money. It was a balancing act but one that will change this year.

You see Marcus is ready to return to full time work, he is so ready to challenge himself again, to feel he has achieved something at the end of each day, to have the routine of work hours, play hours back in a regular cycle. He is ready to leave the safety net of the income protection insurance and get back to earning an income for himself.

Where as I have made the decision not to work this year.  It seems that despite earning extra money last year we were still left wanting more. I am a firm believer that you live to your means so it doesn't matter what I was bringing in because I was just as good at spending it too. If we have less, then we spend less. I can deal with that.

Because with all this internalising, I have realised that I am the type of person that can't do things half pie. I really struggled with last year and the pull to give my teaching post 100% which ultimately meant that my job at home suffered. If I'm going to be 100% at something I want it to be as wife and mother.  Reflecting back I was pretty poor at both last year.

I preferred to spend hours in front of the photocopier or textbooks planning units than playing with Nathan. I would research behaviour techniques to use with tricky children in my class rather than address my own children's behaviour at home.  I served up sandwiches for dinner on more nights than I want to admit to because my heart wasn't in preparing a meal for my family. I would resent Marcus having any free time because any free time I could muster away from children I would use to get organised for teaching. And it's crazy because it was ONLY 1 set day a week of teaching but then I would take on relief work and cover work and by the end of the year I was pretty much working full time. And I loved it, I did but the timing isn't right yet for me to return to work.

You see, work isn't going anywhere. There will always be teaching jobs. My children on the other hand are going places. They have grown up in front of my eyes while I have been shushing them, hurrying them, fobbing them off to grandparents and if I'm honest resenting them instead of enjoying them. An ugly truth. And if Marcus is going to return to full time work, he is going to need me to have the home front covered. I won't be able to rely on having him around so much.

Then there is the added distraction of perhaps moving to South Africa this year for Marcus to pursue a business venture there. It'll mean putting our stuff in storage, renting our home out, possibly homeschooling Lucy and Olli, but what an adventure right? RIGHT?

So I hope you feel updated. 2014, Bring it! Here is to stepping forward with faith, taking the job of homemaker seriously and making our home a haven for my children and husband and a place of joy and laughter. Pray for us will you, if you are the praying sort. Pray that our security will be found in the creator of the world who is not shaken or changing with time. Pray that our trust will be in him and not in our own endeavours or each other. Pray that our experiences over these last 2 years will be of benefit to help somebody somehow, that what we have learnt won't be wasted.