On the Eve of Mother's Day

So let me share what has been going on in my heart and mind these last 4 weeks. I have been restless. A feeling of wanting more but not knowing what.  A feeling that life was passing me by and I was just ticking off the days.  A strong desire to do something of purpose, to be good at something and have pride in my work. 

I know I am not alone, especially among my stay at home mum friends. I've talked it out, tried to get to the root of why I lack contentment.  It's not that I am unhappy. I love my husband more now than the day we married. I love my children too, so much it hurts and I have to bite my lip sometimes. But this restlessness....it nags away.

The week before the school holidays I ended up relieving for a whole week, at the same school but in different classes. The week took me through a range of emotions. Some days I thought, I would really enjoy teaching full time again, other days I couldn't get home again fast enough, so excited about walking through the door to my own family and a role I knew well. Then the next day I enjoyed teaching so much that when I got home I actually sat in the car for a full 10 minutes in the driveway, not wanting to come inside to rejoin the 'old life' of cooking, cleaning, washing, changing, whining, that I knew awaited me in the witching hours of 3-6pm in our house.

 It wasn't the job of teaching that I had overly enjoyed as much as just doing something different with my day, being appreciated, creative and let's be honest, paid.

You see the money is good, there is always that appeal. And I hear the voices in my head 

"gosh if I went back to work, we would have this mortgage knocked off in no time...." 

"It really is about time I started bringing in an income again, it has been 6 years." 

"People expect it of me,  to get a job, a purpose, to contribute to society" 

"I could take the pressure off Marcus, we could split the roles."

The voices go on and on.

But then there are different voices, the ones of  good friends who believe that being a mum is their purpose. It's what we as woman were created for, our main role is to support our husband and raise our children up in the ways of the Lord. 

And I believe this too, as foreign as that sounds in today's world and maybe that's the problem, that the perceived worldview and God's view are so contradicting. 

And I am grateful. Truly grateful to even have this dilemma to toss over. I know that there are many who long for a husband, for children or the option of being a stay at home mum, so when this restlessness gets to me, I am careful who I whinge to so as not to get a slap across the face for being so ungrateful. I get how this must sound to some on the other side.

I have been working my way through a book lent to me by a friend called the "dream giver."

It is a slow read because I keep stopping to reflect. In the second half of the book the author gets you to ask some big questions of yourself. On what your dream is. He believes that God has given everyone a big dream and that one can never fully be happy unless they are living out that dream. 

 I've had a hard time working out what my big dream is, if I even had one. 

Questions like:

If you had all the money in the world, what would you do? (after the sipping drinks on an island paradise had worn off) 

What makes you happy? 

What do you enjoy doing? 

What do others say that you are good at, what comes naturally? 

What was your dream as a child? 

Last night I sat labeling jars and sorting out the spice cupboard. I was in my happy place, Organising and sorting clutter gets me so excited.  I had actually set this job aside as a reward at the end of the day if I got all my other chores done, that's how motivated I was about it, that I saw it as a treat. As I clapped my hands with glee at the finished cupboard I remembered one of the questions about what gives you joy and I remarked to Marcus. "OK, this type of work I love. What would be the perfect job for me? and he answered with "ummm, a homemaker?"  

And as I laughed at the irony a memory stirred of a conversation I had as a kid. When asked what I wanted to do when I grew up, I replied with "a mother." it wasn't trendy back then either when as a teenager I shared that I couldn't wait to be a mum, to bake cookies and tuck kids into bed. My peers looked at me like I was joking and those peers have gone on to become architects, and lawyers and doctors and designers and I went on to become a teacher which was a boring but acceptable choice to them, but to me it was only ever a fill in job until I became a mum. 

So on the eve of Mother's day, do you know what I'm starting to see, after weeks of feeling like being a stay at home mum is keeping me from a life of purpose. That my big dream is to be a mother.  It always has been.

Strange huh?  But already seeing this mothering role as my dream and purpose and not just my job by default is giving me a desire to do it better. To do it well, to take pride in it. I am the only mother those 3 kiddies have. I heard a saying that 'to the world you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world. 'It's true and the job God has given me is huge but it's my dream job.

Cooking isn't, gardening isn't, dusting certainly isn't but mothering is with a side of organising.

Don't be surprised if you see my kids labeled. The labeling gets addictive.