Just a process

I've had a headache for over a week now. A deep pounding in the skull, sometimes to the left other times to the right. Today it is right in the forefront.  

At first I blamed PMS, the usual hormone unbalance that happens monthly but as it lingered I turned my blame to the intense temperatures we've been having in Hawkes Bay the last few days and not drinking enough water.

But today the weather is a comfortable 22 degrees and still this headache lingers. There is tension everywhere from my toes to my eyelids.  

It has made me irritable, unkind, retreating a lot to anywhere I can that doesn't involve someone talking to me or climbing on me, and I have been crying.  I have been crying a lot. For no reason. I could be sitting on the couch watching a commercial on TV and tears will start rolling down my cheeks. 

This tension in my head is because I want to be excited  about the possible move to South Africa  but the initial excitement has been replaced with the reality of moving and I try to keep my mind on the logistics and all that needs to happen to avoid thinking about saying goodbye.

Because right now I look at Sam our dog and my eyes fill with tears, I pop around to Mum's and it's all I can do to stop myself crawling onto her lap and sobbing till I'm dry. I drop Lucy and Oliver off at their school and kindergarten which I adore and picture their last pick up here and have to put my shades on to avoid other mums noticing my red puffy eyes. I cried silent tears at church on Sunday and before that at my ladies Bible study group. Because the idea of saying goodbye is emotional. Two years away is nothing but then it is a lifetime.  A lot happens in 2 years and oh how I will miss people.

I know this is just a process I need to go through and I'm reluctant to even post this because I know my inbox will be flooded with words of encouragement, meals and babysitting will be offered, cards will be sent because that is the type of friends and family I have. You are amazing and the thought of leaving all of you, if only for a short time is what is making me sad. 

So I will say to you what I have been saying to Marcus. I'm ok, just really fragile at the moment so tread carefully. Don't say anything kind, don't give me a hug, don't ask me hows it all going, or mention how quick it's all happening because you have been warned, any of these WILL make me cry. The weather, politics, religion, kids, fashion, are all safe ground to avoid crying awkwardness. 

I will be ok. This is just a process.