Some confessions

My parents are looking after Lucy and Oliver for the week and Marcus and I have spent the weekend wandering around the house commenting every few minutes about how quiet it is. The quietness has allowed me to live out some of those dreams and has given me some time to reflect. Looking back I have a few confessions.

All photos taken by Lucy- our budding photographer.

1. I watch Coronation street.

2. I clip my toenails and put the cuttings into my finished tea cup (Generally while watching Coro).

3. I wear nude, high waisted squeeze it all in grandma knickers.

ha ha, while the above are true, I haven't been convicted of those. (As much as Marcus would want me too).  My real 3 heart confessions of 2011 are:

1. I spend too much

We have a budget which I reassess every month or so and on paper it's very doable but I have this problem of always buying stuff and because of it this whole year I've been constantly living beyond our means.

It's terrible, I see something I like and then it seems to consume my thoughts about how I could justify buying it, how it will make my life so much easier/prettier/better. I convince myself that once I have brought it that I won't need anything else for the rest of the year, that this one thing will satisfy my materailistic cravings. I don't work out a way to save up for it or even go home to think about it for a few days I basically just shut my eyes, zap the card through and figure out how to pay for it later.

And this is the terrible bit- that usually involves me transferring funds from accounts set aside for holiday funds, the kids savings accounts and even money set aside for tithes. (Yep told you they were heart confessions. I'm a complete sinner, stealing from God to buy lipstick).

I bring whatever I've brought home and instead of enjoying it, guilt ultimately follows and the desire for more stuff is still there. It is never fulfilled. The next time I'm in town I see something else and hear that voice whisper "Just this one more thing...."

So if you know me, you'll know I've been aware of this little 'problem' of mine for a while but what hit home for me the need for change was watching Lucy open her presents on Christmas morning. She had a huge amount of presents, way, way too much and instead of showing joy or gratitude on opening them her faced displayed indifference and even boredom once all the paper was off. She was sitting in this pile of stuff and wasn't thankful.

I actually got angry with her when she complained about a present as not been what she wanted.  Marcus and I raised our eyebrows at each other and wondered "who is this spoilt little brat in our living room?"Now I don't want to portray Lucy as this horrible child, she isn't, she is amazing and we love her to pieces but her behaviour was startling.

I started talking to her about gratitude and  good manners, and the importance of been thankful. That there were kids in Africa with no food and how would they feel about her complaining about a silly dress... you know the speech. Afterwards I realised that Lucy was merely displaying in her 4 year old way the essence of my own heart. That it didn't matter what stuff I had, I would always want more and that in my selfish heart, I deserved to have whatever I wanted.

I had taught her this and it scared me.

2. Blogging and Facebook have become a tad addictive

I am loving having a blog and been part of the blogging world. It is fascinating, inspiring, and allows me  to be a little creative a couple times of week- something the mind craves after long days with toddlers. I also love that it is a journal of our lives and I'm looking forward to printing it as a keep sake of our memories.

Facebook too has been a lovely friend these last 4 years at home. Our computer is in our dinning area and as I pass it many times throughout the day I like to have a quick check in and see what people have been up to. Lots of little 2 minutes conversations throughout the day. Because I don't work in an office with colleagues I kinda see facebook as a substitute for all those mindless conversations you have with work colleagues around the water cooler or photocopier. On days where I never leave the house, it also helps me to still feel connected to the outside world.

HOWEVER, these last few months I have noticed myself displaying some disturbing addictive behaviour to the sites.

• It is the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning (thanks to all my overseas friends who have been busy updating status while I sleep).
• I talk about the authors of blogs I follow in everyday conversation like they are real friends of mine but in reality I have, and no doubt will never met. 
• I'm starting to drive my family a bit crazy, taking photos of everything because you never know what might become a blog post. 
• And this is the weird addictive bit, I THINK about it all the time and when the kids interrupt me while I'm on the computer because they want a snack or to do a craft or just want me to watch them do something I begrudge them for it. Finishing reading a blog is more important for me in those moments than my kids and I'm sure they know it by my sighs or snappy remarks. It's another thing that scares me.

3. I need to be a more intentional parent.

Marcus and I don't talk about our parenting at all really. We are similar in our upbringings and our values so we just go with it, fudging our way along. Reacting and dealing with stuff as it happens rather than actually talking about scenerios and been prepared for them with wise answers instead of a brush off when questions are asked we're not sure how to answer.

My days are bit like this too, if I have nothing planned the kids get bored, things turn to custard and I load them all in the car for an 'outing'. Sometimes I have no idea where we're going, we just drive around till I think of something. I want more routine in my days, I want to be prepared for the kids so i can enjoy doing activities with them and not see them as a hindrance in my day. I want my goals to be more than making it till bedtime without having killed someone.

So with those confessions in mind here are my New Year Resolutions.

1. To be a better steward of money.  To teach the kids the value of it and not to give into their demands for whatever they want but to teach them the lessons of sacrifice, patience, gratitude, and giving. To stop buying STUFF. In the words of Jesus- "do not store up for yourselves treausres on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treaure is, there your heart will be also. " Matthew 6 vs 19-21

2. To limit my computer time to the times when the kids are asleep. If they are awake and with me then they are my priority and the computer is a no go zone.

3. To write a family mission statement inspired by my friend Nikki's post. To get up early and on top of the chores so I'm not playing catch up all day instead of playing with the kids.

Heavy post huh? That's what you get when the kids are away and I have time to think more than just caption photos. What are your resolutions for 2012?