Hello March

It's 10pm, there are a million things I should be doing, sorting washing, making tomorrows  packed lunches but right now the house is quiet and the keypad open. One of my favourite authors writes about
"When her kids and the washing machine sleep she washes her real dirt down with words and The Word. " That's how I feel.  It's been a while since I've posted on this ol blog and I've really missed it, so tonight the chores can wait.

It's not that I haven't been writing, or pondering but in these last few weeks those things have taken shape in the way of letter writing, Bible studying, and long talks with friends in person over coffee or wine even cake.

These interactions have been wonderful and were the goal I hoped in my attempt at giving up Facebook- creating more real life connections with people.  I have been pondering a lot over a lot of things, praying a lot, pondering myself around and around in circles as I try to make decisions. Do I work this year? If so in what capacity? If I do, should I stick with teaching or be brave and try something else? If so what? Why do I feel the need to work when being a stay at home mum is enough work on it's own? How do I best support Marcus in his return to work? Do we paint the house black? Winter is coming, I wonder how warm this place will be in winter? Should I freak out like the Plunket nurse is that Nathan is still butt shuffling and doesn't know between 2 and 20 words yet? Am I a bad mother that I am actually glad he isn't talking yet? Just what do we have for dinner tonight? The thoughts go on and on and around and around. And so tonight I choose to blog as my way of shifting through thoughts so i can go to sleep clear headed.

And this is March, Birthday month in our house and also the first anniversary of Marcus' break down. It's been a year. Wow, a year since he fell into a pit that for months his mind wouldn't let him escape from. I haven't forgotten those early weeks when he returned from China but I'm not scared that he will ever be back there. He is doing an amazing job of monitoring himself, knowing his limits, stopping when he feels it all getting too much. I think we both thought he would be completely back to normal a year on and in most ways he is, but it is still there, the bad days still happen, the anxiousness can still come a knocking. It took a long time for him to reach breaking point so we know that it will probably take that long again for him to be completely recovered. I do know that he baked a lot of bread this time a year ago, as a way for him to  keep busy, feeling a level of achievement at starting and finishing something.  He doesn't do that anymore which I miss, but my waist line is doing better without.

On Saturday Marcus will turn 35, followed by Lucy turning 6 then Oliver turning 4. I like celebrating them all in a row like that but it does turn the whole of March into a bit of a birthday frenzy. I'll blog about each indivuially, its about time I recorded some of their milestones again.