ovens, rocks and other heavy stuff

My friend Jo has this oven which is playing up.  It's all very temperamental, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the elements work but not the oven part. Sometimes the temperature doesn't get hotter than a certain point. Because it still mostly works, they haven't replaced it or got it fixed. They make do and have learnt to adapt around it by using the microwave and crock pot more or taking the tray of cookies to her mother in laws down the road to finish off baking there. Because lets face it, until it completely breaks down there is always going to be more fun ways to spend money than fixing an oven.

Well 3 weeks ago, before the crazy birthday month of March hit us; Marcus completely broke. It's taken me a while to blog about it because we needed to come to terms with what had happened and I wanted Marcus to feel comfortable with me sharing. He knows this blog is all about me been honest and journalling our days so it would be wrong to not share, wrong to not include this huge thing that has hit our family. But it was about finding the right time, the right words.  (He has even agreed to do a guest post on here, sharing things from his perspective, but that might be a while.)

We had both known he wasn't well for a few months. Work was crazy busy, he was crazy stressed trying to be all things to all people and as a result all balance was thrown out the window.  We both realised that getting by on a few hours sleep a night, and not having time for exercise, down time or a decent conversation wasn't healthy but we just kept trucking on, hoping things would get better if he could just get through this next bit, the next job etc. He had a trip to China which he had won through work and although it involved a few corporate presentations I think we were both hoping that by getting on that plane that he would be able to check his mind out so to speak for  a week or so and it would be enough to re group and carry on.
It wasn't.  He wasn't able to check out and while in the midst of a country as foreign as China something snapped.

He broke.

My rock crumbled.

What were anxiety attacks became one big prolonged one that never let up. Now the smallest of things like the phone ringing, or logging on to check emails make his heart race, the walls close in around him, breathing becomes difficult and his ability to make decisions is put in the too hard basket.
What has happened to him is very scary but in a way it is a good thing because it has forced us to stop and take stock. It took him to completely break before we were forced to address his lifestyle and make changes. It has forced him to rest and not just truck on in the hope it all ease off.

He has been carrying a lot since Nate's birth. I remember a conversation with him a few weeks before Nate was born. I was in full nesting mode, stressing out about everything and he said to me. "Anna, let it go. Leave it all up to me. I'll sort it. All you need to worry about is having the baby. I've got the rest." It gave me such peace of mind because he was so solid and did take all the burdens on. What I didn't realise then but know now is that there is a limit to what man can carry. When the birth went all pear shape and I needed to off load more to him in order to fully recover myself, he took it all on, responsibility upon responsibility and it must have been so heavy. No wonder he is feeling so overwhelmed.

So the healing process has begun. We have some new mantras around this place reminding us that only God is strong enough to take our worries
Psalm 62. 5-6
"find rest o my soul in God alone my hope comes from him He alone is my rock and my salvation. He is my fortress. I will not be shaken.

The kids are beautifully oblivious to the whole thing. They think Marcus just has a cold and is tired from his travelling. The amazing village (family, friends, church) have kicked in yet again to support us through this trial.

He will get better. This will make him a better person. While hard now life on the other side will be so worth it. His life will have balance and laughter and joy and rest.